Category: food and drink

I just found out today that my wife’s baking is really good for your health. A bullet just ricocheted off the mini cake I had in my chest pocket.

When I saw mmutton on the menu tonight, I had to ask whether it was a typo or an adult llama-based dish.

I love bacon so much, when I eat it I get a lardon.

Only now can Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, the Lockerbie bomber, give a truthful account of one of the most sickly and gruesome Scottish crimes in living memory: The deep fried Mars bar.

Two yanks in a Glasgow cafe, one asks for two horse steaks. The waitress says ” we don`t eat horse over here.” The yank says “so how come that guy over there ordered mare soup?”

Why do cafes have teapots that are made out of super-conductive metal that you can’t actually pick up until the tea has gone cold?

KFC: Served in buckets, eaten by spades.

I went to McDonald’s yesterday and asked for a ‘Taste of America’. I was shot.

Apparently, Eskimos have over a thousand different words for snow. Does this mean that Americans have a thousand different words for doughnut?

All my mates think I’m bonkers, but I just can’t help thinking that there’s something really wrong about putting an egg on a chicken burger.

Found part of a child’s body in a skip… walkers will put anything into their bags of crisps these days.

My friend strictly only eats Frosties for breakfast; never Cheerios, Coco-Pops or Weetabix etc. He says he is a cereal monogamist.

I had a microwave burger today. Thinking back, beef would have been better.

I’ve just decided to boycott Tesco, I found out that they sell fruit that has been picked in a war torn country and used to fund illegal activities. They’ve even got the nerve to boast about it on the packet: Blood Oranges.

A man walks into a shop and ponders over the confectionery at the counter. He says, “I’ll have a Twirl and a Boost, please.” The shopkeeper gaily spins round, points and says, “Honey, you look fabulous today!”