Category: food and drink

I saw an old lady trying to reach for the last tin of peaches in Tesco this morning, I felt sorry for her… I also fancied some peaches.

I could tell it had no artificial flavours or colours in it on account of it having no colour… and no flavour

dairy jokes are so cheesy

NEVER mess with a layered dessert made of custard, fruit, sponge cake, fruit juice and whipped cream. it is not something to be trifled with.

I’ve never been any good at making pancakes. I think it’s because I don’t give a toss.

I had a “Taste of England” meal today. A curry for two from Asda.

I can’t believe how easy it is to offend black people. I mean, who DOESN’T love fried chicken and watermelon?

Oh God, was I drunk last night. So drunk, I couldn’t walk. I had to drive home!

I used to love licking the whisk after Mum made cakes, so I let my kids do the same. Thinking back, I reckon when I was young, my parents must’ve unplugged it first.

My new job is a breath of fresh air. I’m responsible for filling the packs of Walker’s crisps.

Producers of microwave meals, to save adding flavour to your product simply double the required cooking time. This will allow the consumer to enjoy the taste of burning flesh as it peels away from the insides of his mouth.

I always sleep with a carrot underneath my pillow just incase there is a powercut.

I found a man unconscious in my bakery this morning. He says he can’t remember his name so for now we’re just calling him john dough.

Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

I just got a big Purple one from a box of Quality Street, Chocolate really turns me on…