Category: food and drink

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses? No wonder they’re delicious.

I uncovered a brilliant scheme that tricks people into drinking watery urine. Budweiser

Apparently, using my girlfriend’s pair of GHDs to make a toasted cheese sandwich is not a ‘survival technique’.

To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

When will greengrocers stop referring to ‘New Potatoes’? They’ve been out for years now, so isn’t it about time they just called them potatoes?

A slice of bread is much like a waffle. Not to be eaten if it’s blue.

When I realised the coffee wasn’t working to keep me awake, I turned to speed. Drank 20 cups of it in 10 minutes.

Me and the wife did a bit of role play earlier. She was ham salad and I was cheese and pickle

There was a family of Wotsits driving along and they see another family. They pull over and ask, ‘do you want a lift?’ and the family reply, ‘no thanks, we’re Walkers’

I bought a bag of those ‘builders breakfast’ crisps today. It struck me that I could taste eggs,bacon and sausages, seeing as most builders these days eat Przepraszamdlaczego.

“Ear of corn, head of lettuce, eye of potato!” cackled the vegan witch whilst she stirred her boiling cauldron.

Instant noodles… But you have to cook them… Hmmm….

What do you get hanging from a banana tree? Sore arms.

What do you get if you cross an egg and sperm? An omelette you probably shouldn’t eat.

I love going for a kebab. There’s nothing more heartwarming than watching a professional put that lamb doner to the heat and slowly grilling it to succulent perfection. Then casually opening a dirty pot and scooping a load of slimy grey threads of sweaty, greasy meat for you to eat instead.