Category: food and drink

Funny how fruit imitates life. When a banana is bad, smelly and no use to anyone it turns black.

My wife said she was leaving me because she thought I was a chicken, and was sick of my cheesy jokes, and cauliflower ears. To be honest, I think she’s making a bit of a meal out of it.

I had a dream the other day. I was eating a biscuit. It was rectangular with rounded edges and coated with sugar. It was Nice.

I saw a bloke yesterday collecting horse muck, so I asked him what It was for. He said, “I’m putting It on my rhubarb.” “That’s odd”, I replied, “I usually put custard on mine.”

I asked my missus to turn me on by eating something seductively, Running her tongue around a pork pie wasn’t what I had in mind.

I love putting corriander on my blended tomato dinner. Its soup herb.

It’s not even tea time yet and I’ve already had my 5 a day: An orange, some cherries, a banana, a grapefruit and some strawberries. But still no nudge, hold or payout.

I had to have a fried egg sandwich for breakfast this morning. Turns out my step-daughter is better than I thought at playing ‘hide the sausage’.

I was in a trial for experimental flavours of crisps. Taste’s A, B, C and D were horrible. But the next one I tried was tasty.

What do Hindu’s and microwaves have in common? The both go ‘Bud-ing!’

There’s no popcorn in Popcorn Chicken so don’t even bother with the hash browns

I’m just off to the pharmacy because I’m going to make a salad with bacon bits. I need plasters for my pet pig.

My mum lost 4 stone after making a discovery… the exit door at McDonald’s.

The wife shouted through from the kitchen earlier. “How do I tell if the spaghetti is ready.” “Take a strand out of the pan and throw it at the wall,if it sticks then it’s ready”I shouted back. “Woohoo!”she squealed seconds later.”It stuck.” 90 minutes and 162 Woohoo!s later I finally got my dinner.

Sometimes, when everyone is asleep, I like to fill my bath tub with marinara sauce, and completely submerge my self and pretend I am a meatball.