Category: food and drink

People kept telling me brown bread is healthier. Apparently buying a toaster was not the right idea.

Looking a barman straight in the eye whilst ordering a shandy …. Impossible. Can’t be done.

“Do you still have that wine I had last week?” I asked the waiter. “Yes, sir, we do.” “Bring me a pint of lager then.”

My girlfriend tried to get me to go to this new Chinese restaurant but I told her I’m not keen on foreign food. So we went to our usual curry house instead.

Going to McDonald’s for a salad? That makes about as much sense as going to a crack-house for vitamins.

I was out camping the other night when I got really hungry and decided to try poaching. I can now safely confirm that eggs are best fried or scrambled.

I went to a fast food sushi restaurant. They gave me some chopsticks and a goldfish in a bowl.

I hate it when my chewing gum goes all tasteless. I spat it out once and it was in the shape of a dead baby.

Was chillin with some buds earlier. “Oy you, out the beer cooler.” shouted the shop owner.

I’m inviting my new girlfriend round mine for dinner tonight, but I told her my cooking skills are rubbish, and asked her what sort of food she likes. She said, “I like plain and simple food, and nothing messed around with.” Pot Noodle it is then.

I got four cracked ribs last night. I don’t care if I got free prawn crackers, I want my money back.

I went in to a Korean restaurant the other day that had a sign saying “No Dogs” As the kitchen’s health & safety inspector, I later found this out to be a false statement.

The wife asked me what she should buy for tea while at the shop. Milk, sugar and tea bags. Stupid cow.

My mate wrote a song called What’s Your Favourite Dip? I said “Hummus a bit.”

Kinder Egg Surprise: “WARNING Toy Inside” Yeah, kind of ruined the surprise there…