Category: food and drink

You can spy on other people’s meals in Nando’s using a peri-periscope.

Things you will never hear at a McDonald’s restaurant #17: “Wow, it looks just like the picture!”

I went into KFC and asked for a combo. The guy behind the counter gave me two jabs and an uppercut.

I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

I hit the drink again last night. It spilt everywhere, the wife was furious!

I was eating an orange the other day, when a man came up to me and decided to remove the white stuff off it. That is just taking the pith.

I think my Korean penpal has misunderstood when I last said ‘I loved dogs’ … I certainly didn’t expect this recipe book in the post today

I had a doubles contest at the tennis club last night. I won. My opponent quit after the ‘whiskey round’.

What’s green and smells of bacon? Out of date bacon.

A tourist in Ireland is annoyed by the slow service in the restaurant. When the waiter finally shuffles up to the table, the tourist says, “Do you by any chance have haemorrhoids?” “Don’t know about that,” says the waiter, “but I’ll ask in the kitchen.”

I am a teacher and I took a child’s Innocence today. That’ll teach him to drink smoothies in my lessons.

I’ve found that alcohol is very good at removing warts and pimples. Not from me… From whoever I’m looking at.

Whenever I see people praying before a meal, I can’t help but wonder ‘ just how many people has my wife cooked for?’

Walked into a cafe the other day and ordered Sausage on toast. The little old lady behind the counted asked “what do you like on you sausage?” I replied “Lipstick”

I entered a marathon earlier. The nuts scratched my bell end