Category: food and drink

I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night. I said, “Do you fancy going out for something to eat, my treat?” She said, “Yeah, that would be nice”. I said, “Great, here’s a tenner, get me a kebab and get yourself whatever you want”.

My mate asked me if he could have a handful of my Walkers crisps today. So I gave him the whole bag.

My wife accidentally mistook Kronenbourg for Kaliber and bought me alcohol free beer. Boy, was her face red. Because I punched her as hard as I could.

What do we want? A cure for chocolate addiction. When do we want it? After eight.

I hosted a dinner party last night, but my friends couldn’t even make it past the main dish, a vegetable and cheese pie in a pastry crust. Quiche to their own.

I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs.

I really like green olives but I’m not a big fan of black olives. For some reason, they just don’t work for me.

Just saw a really fat Korean kid. His father said it’s puppy fat.

Fresh juicy strawberries, that you stick in your ears. Thick creamy ice cream, dribbling down your chin. Freshly baked biscuits, in your hair and under your wheelchair. This isn’t just food, this is M.S food.

I can’t wait for Heather Mills to launch her own beer. Apparently it will get you absolutely legless.

What did the salad say when it knocked on the door? Lettuce in

If you have upside-down cake whilst doing a handstand, does that just make it cake?

Giving your last Rolo? I love you that much, you can have what is essentially worth 3 pence.

Meat eaters, cure your vegetarian friends by pledging to triple your own meat consumption for the duration of their abstinence. If they really love animals, they’ll have no choice but to start eating burgers again.

Nearly got kicked out of McDonald’s today… There was a fit girl who asked me if I wanted to go large for 30p so I told her “you’ve already done that, I’ll give you a 1 to finish me off”