Category: food and drink

Cheese in cheesecake? Cream in cream crackers? What’s next? Meat in Tesco Value sausages?

I bought Pringles ’cause the advert said it had 90 chips in the can. Liars! It was full of crisps! What a waste of gravy…

When I got home from work today I asked the wife what she put on my sandwiches “Crab paste, dear,” she replied. “Crab paste?” I replied. “Where did you get that from?” “The Chemist,” she replied.

I’ve just paid 200 for a skip. I thought to myself, that’s an expensive crisp.

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. “I’ll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please” says the man. “O.K.” replies the waiter and calls out “Gervais!” A little French chef appears […]

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

I’m having dinner in a Greek restaurant, so hopefully a German will be able to pay for it.

I’m really sorry Donna for leaving you in bed and just going to work like that, and apologise for the comment, “You’re a lot bigger than I thought”. I will be home soon to finish what I started, but to be honest I don’t even remember coming home with you. Any way, out of the […]

I’ve decided to ‘go green’ by recycling my used bath water and making popsicles out of it. The neighbourhood kids just love them.

Why can’t penguins fly? Because they’re biscuits!

How do you know when you have no life? When you read the jokes on the back of penguin bars and find them partially funny.

In terms of cutlery, spoons just don’t cut it.

Is uncle Ben married to Aunt Bessie?

Doris and Mildred, two posh old ladies, are sitting in a restaurant tucking into plates of Parma ham with asparagus and hollandaise sauce. “Do you know, Mildred,” says Doris, “they used to call asparagus the ‘widow’s comforter’?” “Not much comfort in one of these, Doris,” says Mildred with a sly smile, picking up an asparagus […]

I’ve created a perfume out of potatoes. It’s got a crisp scent.