Category: food and drink

Eating fruit and vegetables is good for you Apart from the ones that kill you

Whoever decided that a one inch mars bar should be called ‘fun size’ needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

My local was burnt down last night, and im absolutley devistated! Can’t imagine the thought of a warm beer

Last night, my wife asked me to put the dinner on. I’m now recovering in a burns unit covered in lasagne.

I rang my wife at work today and said, “Do you fancy going for a few drinks and something to eat after work?” “Yes,” she said, “I would love to.” I said, “Great, will you get a case of lager and three large pizzas, all the lads are coming round to play poker.”

My late gran left me a fruit shop in her will I went bananas.

Blood will be spilled tonight. I just ate KFC’s Hot Wings and have hemorrhoids.

Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said “be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity ” so I left without paying.

The other day I stole a revolver made of gelatin. The next day I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

I’m opening a coffee shop that sells the ideal coffee to damage your lungs. It’s made from the finest coughy beans.

Two crisps are walking along a road. A man stops his car and asks them if they want a lift. “No thank you” replied one of the crisps. “Oh let, me guess, you’re Walkers?” replied the man. “No” said the other crisp, “It’s just you’re black, and we value our lives.”

I love food. Its all I eat….

Being interrogated by the police and ordering a sandwich at Subway are strikingly similar.

I would go on a diet but I have a lot on my plate

“What am I going to do?” cried my tearful elderly relative. “My winter allowance won’t cover my gas bill?” “But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?” I exclaimed. “Hardly at all, I’ve just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people,” she sniffled. “But the bill’s […]