Category: food and drink

My stupid blind son has been stuffing his face all morning. I had to lead him over to the Turkey.

I always go up to girl in a club and whisper in her ear… “I can touch the bottom of a Pringles can when erect.” God bless snack size pots.

The apple industry has been hit by a rapid decline in sales of fruit-based pastries. Industry experts are worried about the apple turnover.

Why don’t Americans like sarcasm? Because they can’t eat it.

We’d finished our main course. The waitress, a rather odd looking black girl, took our dessert order. This never arrived, so I called over the Head Waiter. “What’s happened to the chocolate mousse?” I asked. “We caught her with her hands in the till and sacked her,” he replied. “May I help you, sir?”

I was at work today, and this really cute old man gave me a 2 tip for helping him pack his bags, telling me to “Buy myself a drink.” I was genuinely touched by the gesture, and I was quite lost for words for a moment, before I finally came out with, “I drink Carling […]

I can’t stop drinking peach archers and lemonade. think I’d better schnapp out of it.

My yoghurt was obviously feeling the cold in the fridge. It’s now wearing a cute little green fur coat.

I saw this episode of Ray Mears survival, where he spit-roasted a pig down the woods. Ah. That takes me back.

The steak I had for dinner just melted in my mouth. Probably should’ve defrosted it first.

I had to give up being a vegetarian, so I went cold turkey.

I asked the chef, “Can I have more onion?” He said “No, that’s shallot”

I like my black people as I like my toast. Burnt.

Boiled eggs. Hard to beat aren’t they?

I’m going to give up meat and become a vegetarian. So far I’ve quit cold turkey.