Category: food and drink

If packaging manufacturers are trying to be environmentally friendly, then why is it that crisp packets are only ever half full?

I bought a packet of Asda own brand sausages the other day. On the side of the packet it said ‘warning, may contain traces of meat.’

You can eat your dinner off the toilet in my house, it’s that clean. Although I wouldn’t serve you anything my wife had cooked… …now that would be disgusting.

Some teenagers standing outside the offfie asked me to buy them some booze this evening. They weren’t impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums.

Went to the chippy and couldn’t decide what to get, I said ”Ok, I’ll get my chips with peas because I really really love peas” ”Don’t get mushy” he said.

Went for Indian last night and the food didn’t agree with me. Full credit to it for making coversation though.

I couldn’t believe it when the local pizza shop accused me of taking advantage of their all you can eat on one plate offer. And to add insult to injury, they even billed me for having to clean some tomato and pineapple off the ceiling.

I thought I was going to drown the other day. Fortunately I had a couple of bags of Walkers crisps which helped me float.

The wife tried to ‘cheese me off’ last night. She’s started experimenting with dairy products in the bedroom.

I was sitting having a quiet pint, minding my own business when the door flew open. “Excuse me sir” said this policeman, “You know it’s illegal to drink alcohol on the hard shoulder?”

stonethecrows wrote: The Chinese Prime Minister walks into Macdonalds, and asks for a Big Mac The waiter asks if he’d like anything else To which he replies, “yes, i could murder a shaikh” —————————————- I’m amazed at the idea of the fat failure behind the counter being described as a ‘waiter’

I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. “Oh God,” she moaned, “you smell gorgeous. What is it?” “Pies,” I said.

Did you know there?s a McDonald’s opposite the Vatican? Its disgusting having to look at that horrible place whilst trying to enjoy a Big Mac.

I found a human hair on my pizza last night. The wife must have been keeping food in the wrong freezer again.

When I’m sad I like to cut myself… …a nice slice of chocolate cake.