Category: family

I like to tell people that my family have a fairy tale life. It sounds better than saying that my wife’s in a coma and I’ve eaten the kids.

I was explaining to my son that some children could take their parents to court and some couldn’t. After I told him he was one of the ones that couldn’t,he asked,”why not daddy?” “Because,I’ll break your legs if you even try.”I said.

An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming,”You are the reason I don’t have a WIFE now”. He smashes the second bottle screaming,”You are the reason I don’t have my children!” […]

When my dad left my mum, he said something that really moved me. He said, “I’ve sold the house, pack your bags by Friday.”

Bill took his dog to the vet. “Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.” The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?” Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think […]

Your sister couldn’t wrestle to save her life, But we have all seen her box.

What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night? The water level in the bath.

“Sit up straight at the dinner table!” said my wife to my son. “Why?” he asked. “Dad doesn’t.” “That’s because he’s spineless,” she replied. I really should say something but I don’t want to cause a fuss.

She pulled her silky gusset to one side. I went in deep, deep up to my nuts in guts. She let out an almighty gasping groan …. Nan’s arthritis was playing up at an inopportune time yet again.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. “Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating […]

My Wife has a really pretty face, but the only problem is she is carrying a bit of timber. I’ve told her working at the lumber yard isn’t very lady like.

When I was a little boy, my parents used to move and change houses a lot. Though I would find them again.

Got the bearded dragon a new tank today. The wife ain’t happy though, she doesn’t think it’s an appropriate place for her mother.