Category: family

My wife asked me to pop into town to get her mother a gift for mother’s day. Apparently she asked for something she can use in the bath. So I’ve bought her a toaster.

A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back. His father is furious and says, “how many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers?”

My dad told me icecream vans only made that noise when they ran out.

I’ve recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education. Last week she came home with five applications and later that night I read them. Under “previous employment”, she listed, “babysitter”. Under “reason for leaving”, she wrote, “they came home”.

Is was getting tea-bagged by my wife the other day. Then i thought to my self, wait a minute…..

Judging by the way my dad reacted when I arrived home stoned last night, he meant something totally different when he said “Son, get out there and live the high life”

I told my friend I hate my dad. He said “Same.” That’s a bit harsh, he hasn’t even met my dad yet!

I miss my Dad. He was like a father to me.

My ex-husband was buried today… Finally, a hole he can actually fill.

My wife told me she is sick of me constantly putting her mother down. I told her that her mother should improve her MMA skills then

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord: “Don’t mind us, were joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers: draft, please.” The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been […]

Unwanted gift? Why not have them adopted?

Today, I changed my name in my mum’s phone to “God.” I texted her saying your son deserves a nice car, money and a new phone. look on her face was brilliant

I took my wife into Foreign Exchange the other day and said ‘Can I swap for a Swedish wife please?’

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one’s arm were too short to reach.