Category: family

I woke up this morning feeling sick. Unfortunately as I crept into my little brothers bedroom, my dad had beaten me too it.

On the sofa with my wife last night: Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion. Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality? Me: No… Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you’ll cry when you slice me up? Me: No… Wife: OK, OK, you’d prefer it if I was battered? Me: No… […]

I offered to bathe the kids for the wife last night, which made me realise how useless I was. I had no idea whether to use Persil or Mr Muscle…

A Mother was arguing with her teenage daughter when she finally reaches breaking point and blurts out, “I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!”

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I am 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

What do you call a man with a dog on his head? A bit weird.

I saved my daughter from choking this morning. I just fancied a handjob.

What have Chlamydia and a cheating husband got in common? My wife has both of them and doesn’t know about it yet.

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we’re not allowed to smoke in the house.The wife makes us stand outside in the cold.And she wonders why he doesn’t like her.

My wife said to me, “I always get wet when I bath the kids” I said, “I know what you mean, I always get an erection.”

A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him he exclaimed, “My goodness: an ice cube with a hole in it, that’s new.” “No it isn’t,” commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him, “I married one.”

My Father was mental. He used to think he was a Boeing 747 I don’t remember too much about him. He took off when I was five

Every Sunday morning I like to get up bright and early and head off to the car boot …. I hide my secret family in there

I was mortified to hear that my son thinks I’m a bad father. That’s what his foster parents told me anyway.

I am a responsible parent. I give my kids safety matches to play with.