Category: family

Mothers are always saying, how they hate their children growing up so fast and losing their innocence. Why dont they adopt a Down Syndrome. They stay at the mental age of a 5 years old all their life. 🙂

I recently went down with the missus to trade her car in and was outraged to only be offered 300 based upon the state of the bobywork, flaps hanging off and a knackered backbox. On a positive note I got 2.5k back on the car.

Just informed my friends that i scored with an older woman! Everyone thinks i’m “the man!!!” now 🙂 Thanks gran, i owe you one 😉

i always remember my first words as a child, “dad” and “STOP”

Mother: “Charlie can I ask you what a word means?” Me: “Go on then” Mum: “Actually I might look it up online, it could be a bit rude” Me: “What is it?” Mum: “Vajazzle” Me: “Ah yes that is rude” Mum: “So its not the trumpet thing they had in the world cup?” That rounded […]

I walked into my mums bedroom as she was masturbating. I said “Don’t worry mum, i’ve seen it all before”. “What did you come in here for?” she asked. “My spy cam” I said.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often […]

Bought the wife an new washing machine made in India ….a stone.

When a man holds a car door open for his wife… …it’s either a new car or a new wife.

There’s nothing more awkward than beating your family on a Wii game that requires the remote to be vigorously jerked back and forth, only for your mother to ask you “Have you been practicing?”

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to […]

Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine at the upholstery factory? Luckily, he’s fully recovered

Just been dumped by the missus. Apparently, when we are outside our house, while it’s burning to the ground, saying “Ah, it needed decorating anyway.” Is wrong. Especially when our baby is inside.

After some deliberation I’ve decided to think generous this Christmas and so I’m going to give each member of my family a cheque for 1,000. I haven’t actually got any money in my account, but they do say it’s the thought that counts.

I’m so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments! So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, “I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother’s house and tell […]