Category: family

My girlfriend doesn’t find paedophile jokes funny, She’s too young to understand them

Teenage daughters are like that box of chocolates at Christmas… You know you shouldn’t, but you just can’t help yourself

It’s my son’s first school nativity play today, and it’s the proudest day of my life. I’ve finally won the Champion’s League on Football Manager. I can’t wait till he gets home from school so I can tell him about it.

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife bounced into the room and said, “I’ve got some good news!” “What is it?” I asked. “My mum’s beaten the cancer,” she squealed. She’s all clear!” Always going off on a tangent, my wife. I never did find out what that good news was.

When I was young my Grandad used to tell me this rhyme. “See my finger? See my thumb? See my fist? You’d better run!” Which is ironic, as even if I ran he still fisted me.

My cheeky teenage daughter burst through the door from school today, before grabbing the remote, sitting back and turning the channel over. “Give me the remote,” I glared. “Then go to the kitchen and fetch me a lager out of the fridge.” “The cheek!” She spat. “Who died and made you god?” “Your mother, this […]

My parents badly abused me when I was a child. They gave me toys to play with, food to eat and a nice cosy bed. I dont think they understood what abuse involves.

What’s worse than catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your daughters knickers? Catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your boxers.

I gave my dad an ‘e’ Now he’s dead.

Researchers at Stirling University have found that parents who joke and play ‘pretend’ games with their children help them to form valuable social skills for life. So I’ve told my kids I’m taking them to Disneyland next week.

You think seeing your Mum kissing Santa Claus was bad. I saw him kissing my Dad

Just watching’children in need’or visiting my kids who live with my ex as it’s supposed to be called.

I’m a big believer in fire safety and often check the smoke alarms in our house. By getting my wife to do the cooking.

My wife reminded me this morning that her mother was coming to stay this week. “I want you to make an effort, and make her feel at home,” she said. So I’m leaving her a pillow and a duvet in the kennel.