Category: family

Me and my identical twin were separated at birth and I haven’t seen him since. I’ve often thought about trying to find him… …But I wouldn’t know where to start, or what he looks like now.

To most men getting married means spending the rest of their life with the one the love, to me it’s just like getting your own personal chef.

My mother-in-law was always nagging. She said I would never make anything of myself. So I strangled her and made myself a murderer.

My mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. I don’t think of him as a step dad though, he’s more a senior roll model.

I remember as a child going round grandad’s house on the weekends to pump iron. I still think thats a funny name for a dog.

My wife woke me up in the early hours saying can you hear something I thinks it’s a burglar go and see. I replied it might be a rapist you go and see.

When are a mother-in-law and a beer both at their best? When they’re cold, on a table and opened up.

I’m so lucky to be surrounded by such an honest and loving family. I think it’s because of this, no one has died since I was born. Would you believe my rabbit is 54 years old today. Though I do wish grandma would come back from her 25 year cruise.

3 kids and another baby on the way with my wife of 14 years. This is the life….. ….i’m running away from

I come from a really poor family, we never had any money. If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d never have had anything to play with.

I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She’s still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

Sometimes I make my daughter do things she does understand and doesn’t like. Tidying her bedroom, for example.

The wife asked me the other night “Why don’t we go out any more?” Apparently “Your answers in the mirror” isn’t the answer she was looking for.

After watching Who Do You Think You Are I decided to trace my ancestors. I was able to trace my roots all the way back to my father.

My son is at that age when he’s started crawling. You know the age, “You’re the best dad, can I have a tenner?”