Category: family

I’m your father and having you was not my idea.

All my Lego figures are violent, alcoholic drug users. Maybe it’s because they come from broken homes.

“Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?” “Yes, Johnny, I’ll take you in a minute…” “Can Granny take me?” “Why?” “Her hand shakes.”

A wife says to her husband, “You make love like you decorate.” Her husband replies, “What, very slow and professional?” “No,” she replies, “I have to finish myself.”

Divorce – Because every man deserves a second chance

The other day the wife said to me “Its obvious women are smarter than men. Think about it! Diamonds are a girls best friend; mans best friend is a dog.” to which i replied “lets see a diamond rescue you when your drowning”. That wiped the smug look off her face.

During an argument with my Grandad, he screamed, “You’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for me!” I said, “Hang on, you didn’t fight in the war.” “I know that,” he replied, “But I told you to choose French for your languages GCSE, remember?”

Want to know why my kids are so beautiful? It’s because they look like their father. If anyone knows him could you tell him to pick up his kids. It’s been 14 years!

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performance as a lover. The first woman says, “My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and chocolates before we make love. I like that.” The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps […]

First, we were hunter gatherers, collecting mushrooms, nuts and berries from the jungle floor. Then, we became scavengers, eating the remains of the kills of carnivores. Then, we became hunters and we learned to kill for ourselves with primitive bows and spears. Then we discovered fire and at last we could cook our food. …And […]

You should have seen the misses face when I told her I was into domestic violence. Bruised.

When meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time, it’s hard not to think to yourself… “I’ve licked your daughter’s nipples.”

My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really stressed, a family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card..

I’ve recieved terrible news that my teenage daughter’s been knocked down in a car accident. Surgeon’s have spent hours operating on her and say she’ll pull through but due to internal injuries she’ll never be able to have children. So on the brightside, I won’t have to use condoms anymore.

“Mummy, Mummy! Why do they call me spastic at school?” “Shut up and take your feet out of your pockets.”