Category: family

I was giving my daughter a bath last night. She looked up at me, all covered in soapy suds and said, “Daad, I’m 16. I can do it myself.”

All the bad weather means a walk in the woods with the wife and kids is out of the question, so I’ve decided to take them to the Museum of Transport in our town. It should be fairly easy to lose them there.

After 18 long and difficult years, my son finally came out of the closet yesterday. The doctor said it was the worst case of agoraphobia he’d ever seen.

My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world I said look sweetheart, hopes and dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. now get back in the kitchen.

Its weird how so many people I meet know i’m Bob’s nephew

When there’s a will, there’s a way! I used that phrase today… …While explaining to my father why he has to live in a home.

The beach’s got everything! Sand for the kids, sun for the wife. Sharks for the mother-in-law.

I think its funny when I throw my kids in the pool. My wife disagrees with me though. She says I should put some water in.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his […]

Today I realised that I had succeeded as a father, I caught my son watching a Pixie Lott song on mute.

Mum: So, have you learned your lesson! Me: Yes, so don’t spend the next hour reiterating it please.

the difference between me and you is you came out of your mum, and i came in her

I was sat watching TV earlier when my wife said “Watch out, the Sun’s coming through the window” “Nothing to worry about, I’ll close the blinds”, I replied. Then she threw my son through the window.

My wife told me her mother is coming to stay for the weekend. I’ve spent the last hour trying to get the letters out of the welcome mat.

I have just made my daughter a puppett using nothing but my bare hand.