Category: family

I went to the police and reported that my wife is missing ever since she went to buy groceries a week ago. “Well, why didn’t you report earlier?” “I had enough groceries to last me a week.”

My wife complains that I spend too much time with my daughter at ‘bath time’. Especially now that she has her exams to study for.

I walked in on my wife singing the other day. Surprised, I said “Oh, I thought you were the radio.” Flattered, she asked “Did you come to listen?” “No,” I replied, “I came to turn it off.”

During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, “I wish I was adopted”. Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I’ve managed to make his wish come true.

I binned the mrs the other day. Just a bit worried she might start to smell before the next collection. Especially with the bank holiday.

A woman’s mind is just like a Rubik’s cube… Much easier to figure out when you smash it to pieces with a brick.

I’ve recently been on one of those ‘fly-drive’ holidays with the family. The wife kept flying off the handle and the kids drove me up the wall.

At first I thought your mum was like a bike, because everyone had had a ride; but then I realised she was more like a bus, as you can fit more people in a bus.

My uncle was a weird fellow… …Artificial legs, real feet.

I’ve been seeing a lot of my family recently. I must have watched twenty episodes and not laughed once.

I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said “Turn off – 500 metres”. Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.

Parents, give your child a normal name. No one wants to hire someone with a name that sounds like a Harry Potter spell

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the […]

“Mummy, can I lick the bowl?” “No, you can flush like everyone else”

My mother in law was due home yesterday from her holiday in Athens. I’ve had my fingers crossed all night.