Category: family

I always know when my daughter is masturbating in her bedroom. It shows up on the spy cam.

I vividly recall my Grandfather and I digging a hole in the back garden and filling it with water. Ah, yes. I remember that well.

I gave my daughter a black eye for being out of line. A bit harsh I know, but colouring in shouldn’t be so sloppy at six years old.

whats worse than your wife not being tight. your daughter not being tight.

When the kids left after coming over to wish me a happy Father’s Day,I said to the wife that this had been the best Father’s Day yet. “I’m so happy for you”she said. “It only cost me 200 quid this year”I told her.

My Grandad was telling me how hard it was at Dunkirk. Trying to get to the beach in double-quick time before the boats left wasn’t easy: the terrain was rough and he really hadn’t got to grips with his new Panzer tank at all.

Why do old people always have the heating on full blast even in summertime? Went to see my granny yesterday and sure enough it must have been 90 degrees in her house. The poor old dear was dripping sweat. Mind you, at least I didn’t have to lube her up…

My daughter loves going to Burger King But hates it when my ‘Angry Whopper’ comes out.

My wife and I really weren’t expecting a baby, and then BAM…! One smacks right into the windscreen.

My mother-in-law said to me, “never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.” So I killed her.

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realised he was the favourite twin.

I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental! we got married 3 weeks before he was born

I hate that awkward moment when your mum walks in on you dancing by yourself in the bedroom… and you notice she’s naked.

My uncle died the other day, broke his neck. He was leaving Asda and tripped over a ‘bag for life’

My great-great-great-grandad invented the Cold Air Balloon. It was a decent idea but, for some reason, it never really took off