Category: family

Did you keep the receipt for the dog food you got yesterday? Isn’t the best way to break the news to your wife that her dog is dead.

Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say “There’s a train coming, there’s a train coming” when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn’t she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

I saw my dad smiling and I asked “What are you thinking about?” He replied “Oh I’m just remembering the good old days” “Your childhood?” “before you were born”

My wife left me today, because of my inability to react appropriately in situations. So I went shopping.

My daughters boyfriend asked, “Do you think it’s ok to make fun of AIDS?” I said, “Sure, that’s why we called her it.”

As my cat burglar father used to say “As one door closes, another third storey window opens”

When is Mother’s Day? Nine months after Father’s Night.

My parents lied to me a lot when I was a boy. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, “stop crying and we’ll let you out of the box”…..

My kids are really good looking. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Your mom is so hairy she makes King Kong look like a cancer patient.

I told my wife the other day ‘ I’ve Just finished writing a song about a hammer today’ she said ‘ Oh really, hit me with it!’ She could have phrased it better, re-constructive surgery starts friday

As I’ve aged, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I think I should move out, it’s starting to get weird.

My uncle taught me the facts of life. I can’t tell anyone though because its our little secret

Q. If men have ‘family jewels’ what do women have?? A. ‘Jewellery boxes’

The wifes so incredibly slow at vacuuming. I’m gonna have to put my foot down.