Category: family

I was out on a camping trip with my wife when a large bear came into our path. I remembered I had my new gun in my backpack for these sorts of situations, one shot to the wife’s kneecap and I was able to get away at only a brisk walking pace.

I’m off on holiday soon with the wife and kids, Though I haven’t decided on the McCanns or another family this year.

After the christening of his baby brother, little Jack cried all the way to the car. “Why are you crying, Jack?” asked his father. “Because the vicar said he wanted us to grow up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum,” sobbed Jack.

I bought a park bench to remember our dear little daughter. It didn’t work, I still forgot to fetch her from school.

My dad was a dustman. Then someone sneezed.

We had some people round today, collecting for the old people’s home. I’m gonna miss me old Gran!

I decided that I would take control of my life… ..but my wife says that I can’t.

In a cake shop with my daughter: “Daddy, can you buy me a strawberry tart?” “No, you’ll end up getting fat like your mum.” She thought about this for a while. “But mummy’s not fat.” “Yes she is – you’re adopted.”

Everytime I look at my daughter, I remember Joseph Fritzl and think: “I could do that!”

My teenage daughter had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then hung up. “That was quick,” I said. “You usually talk for at least two hours. What happened?” “Wrong number,” she replied.

I’m often accused of being a compulsive liar, so let’s get a few things straight. My grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy and was decorated after the war. My other grandfather started a small business in London that’s now a multi-million pound company. My other grandfather…

My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat.

Josef Fritzl is always the Dungeon Master in Dungeons & Dragons

Your mother is so poor…..she can’t even pay attention.

I called my dad into my room to fix my computer for the fifth time today. “This just isn’t on!” he snapped, flicking the power switch.