Category: family

Had a go on my brother’s bike earlier…….. or Julie as he like’s to call her

Why do men fart more than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening out? A candlelit football stadium.

“Sorry, you have the wrong number” “Sorry, you have the wrong number” “Sorry… ..You would think after the 57th time your parents would get the message

My son said that for his birthday he wanted some cars to play with. So I’ve just dropped him off on the M25.

It looks like my daughter takes after my wife. Recently her weight has nearly doubled. I mean, only a few months ago, she was seven pounds four ounces.

Since I lost my job me and Grandad have been spending more and more time with each other, were getting on so well he’s leaving me all of his inheritance. “Grandad, you shouldn’t have” I said, “Now then, the thing you need to remember about Base Jumping is I’ve packed your ruck sack with a […]

The upside of my divorce and remarriage in my 40’s? A pair of my teenage stepdaughter’s used panties to sniff each day.

My girlfriend said to me the other day: “Hey wanna join my parents for tea tonight?” I replied: “I’d rather join MY parents.” “I thought your parents were dead.” “They are.”

Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault? Yes. My conception.

My little girl came up to me today with an intent expression on her face and said: “Daddy, why did you name me Angel?” I sat her on my knee and explained to her: “Listen sweetie-pie, my policy as a father has always been to give my children names that reflect how i feel about […]

One thing my old Dad always said to me: Son, never explain yourself to anyone. He never did tell me why.

I went to my nan’s house for dinner on her birthday. After enjoying the lovely spread she had layed out, she told me that she wanted her present… So I gave her a pearl necklace. And then I gave my present to her!

I gave my girlfriend the earth, then she asked me for the stars. She got them as soon as I gave her a right hook.

Why is your mum like a pub in Portsmouth? Because she’s crammed full of seamen.