Category: family

Yesterday I told my wife that I will kill her in her sleep, burn down our house and I hate coronation street. “How could you?”, she said. “Not really”, I told her, “I love Coronation Street”.

Lifes great at the minute, I’ve got a big house, new sports car, a lovely wife and 3 great kids… They’re not mine of course, but hey, finders keepers…

I decided to trace my family tree and was very disappointed with the results. I come from a long line of dead people.

My teenage daughter has just told me she is pregnant, even though she took precautions. I took precautions too. I swapped her birth control pills with Rohypnol.

The other day 2 year old brother started screaming at the sight of a spider. All i wanted was some peace but I couldn’t kill the poor thing so I wraped it in toilet paper and through it out of the window. However my parents said that was a irresponsible thing to do to a […]

My daughter’s been really well behaved today after I made her sit on the naughty step yesterday. Admittedly it was the top step of a twenty foot ladder.

How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it, and two to listen while he brags about how he screwed it.

Great. The wife’s just told me she’s invited her mother round this weekend. I know what that means, no footy or beers then. I’ll just have to go to the pub and kill 2 birds with one stone. But that can wait till I get back from the pub.

I thought my family hated me – turns out they’ve all chipped in for me to visit a luxury clinic in Switzerland!

What bounces and makes kids cry? Gary Glitter on a pogo stick.

I hate my Mum walking with me to school everyday, Oh well, she’ll be old enough to drive soon.

Father: “You look a lot better now after the accident.” Son: “What accident?” Father “When you were born.”

My old man’s a dust man. We cremated him this morning.

My mum and dad were always playing practical jokes on me when I was a kid. I can remember coming home from school once and they had moved house.

what happened to the split condom? Look in the mirror.