Category: family

When I was a kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

They say that you should never go back to a firework once it’s been lit. Our back garden’s been out of bounds since 1997.

Darling I said you remind me of a swan. My wife replied, because of my beauty and grace? No love because you’re a bit of a fat bird.

I think I must be going bald… It’s taking longer and longer to wash my face in the morning…

Just found out my dad used to work for Johnny Cash! Collecting the money from condom machines.

Dead. Carlsberg don’t do mother-in-laws…

My parents have decided to put my gran into a care home, after she tearfully broke down, admitting to symptoms of Alzheimer’s. Maybe it’s time I stopped using rohypnol.

Every Xmas the family likes to play charades. Our Nan tries to be as accurate as possible meaning her basic instinct is not such a highlight.

My father got up and announced that he was engaged to be married yesterday. I was made up for him, but my sister broke down in tears and ran off, missing the rest of our mother’s funeral.

My wife says i never let her see her mother. I’ve now given permission for her to turn the picture around once a week.

Tip for the kids – When your mum is angry with your dad, dont let her brush your hair!

Wife asked me why the PC volume is always at zero when she switches it on in a morning. “Windows default love,” I said. Quite convincingly.

I lost my Grandfather last week. That was the worst game of Poker I have ever been involved in.

I was driving in a town near Arkinsaw the other day and my girlfriend said to me ‘Isn’t this place notorious for incest?’ I replied ‘No but it’s relatively close’

I tried to register for phone banking, but couldn’t set it up. I was adopted and don’t know my mothers maiden name.