Category: family

My wife just threw lemonade all over me. She’s so spriteful.

I like Trains. Because one killed my Wife

Your mum’s so fat that I wouldn’t be surprised if it caused her some minor health problems, or even some troubles in her day-to-day running of things. She may also suffer from lack of confidence, self-esteem issues and/or minor depression. I would suggest for her to get some counselling.

“Daddy, why is mum zig-zagging down the garden?” “Quiet son, I’m trying to aim.”

Mother-in-law gags are all well and good, but I prefer to use a sedative.

My wife’s just left me because she was fed up of my constantly optimistic approach to life. She’ll be back though, i just know it, and we’ll be together forever and never be unhappy.

Apparently my wife wants to divorce me because of my appearance. I haven’t shown up in two years.

My mother died whilst giving birth to me. So I was breast fed by my grandma. It didn’t affect me though. Well, I like my milk past the sell by date now but that’s all.

Yo Momma is so fat, bouncy castles hire her for parties.

I found out the other day that my Dad was an undercover journalist. That was news to me…

Irony is growing up thinking ur mum would be the one to catch you masturbating….

I love it when the ice cream man comes out, so I can see all the hot and sweaty kids chasing after him, getting their lolly’s and licking away, I never did understand what granddad meant when he said that.

Just finished my last test, and now I’ve got two weeks of blissful ignorance before I found out how bad I’ve done. I mean, I can’t be father to all of them.

My mother-in-law came round earlier and really made my day… She left early.

My wife and I have recently discovered that our teenage daughter is a compulsive liar. Sounds like a great ‘get out of jail free card’ to me.