Category: family

It was my little un’s birthday today. We had all her friends over to watch a movie. It’s great watching them all laugh together. Now she wants Schindler’s List every year!

Do you like my watch? My grandfather sold it to me on his death bed. I gave him a cheque.

I just turned twenty two today and my mum said, “Son do you not think it’s time you moved out?” I hate the thought of having my own room.

When my daughter announced that she was getting married I knew I had to come clean. She was rather upset after I’d told her that I wasn’t her real dad. But at least I managed to avoid the tradition of the bride’s father paying for the wedding.

My parents hated me as a child. One Christmas I opened my present to find an empty shoe box. They told me it was an action man deserter.

I recieved a phone call on my mobile from my son’s school teacher today. “Your son hasn’t turned up for school for over a week,” he exclaimed. “Well, speak to his Gran,” I snapped. “I’m in prison!” “What about his mother?” he replied. “Why do you think I’m in prison?”

When I was a little girl, me and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical clothes. I didn’t mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing.

I’ve told my son that I have put 250 000 into a trust fund to be released to him at the time of my death. That way I know that I won’t be there to see his disappointment when he realises that I’m a bad father.

The mother-in-law moaned all the way on the journey from Dublin to Kerry. She’s was even moaning when I was taking her down off the roof rack.

my doctor asked me if any of my family suffered from insanity.I replied. NO .we all actually enjoy it.

When my gran dies she’s gonna spend 100,000 quid on having her body frozen so she can be brought back to life in the future. Although I think we’ll probably just pocket the 100,000 and bung her in the freezer.

I was sick of spending a fortune on a haircut every other week, so I shaved it all off. My wife hated it. She said our 6 year old daughter didn’t suit a skinhead.

LATEST NEWS IN : Wayne Rooney scores in Africa. Last seen leaving the Nelson Mandela nursing home in Sun City.

My wife and son died last year in a vicious shark attack. I wish I could have been there to save them, but I was a faster swimmer.

I said to my mum “I’m going to the funfair” She said “Oooooh, will you go on the ghost train?” I said “No, I’ll walk”