Category: family

‘In many things, being first is very important & can give you an advantage.’ I told my young son ‘Aardvark’ earlier.

At the tender age of 82 my gran has lost the plot, she keeps thinking that I am my grandad. To be honest it’s a compliment, he was a great bloke. But, the biggest compliment of all was the fact that ‘Apparently’ I’m better in bed.

It’s a rare occasion when somebody moves to Norfolk. Most people there prefer to stay local and marry their sisters. But don’t worry I’m sure the people of Norfolk will make the Fritzl’s feel more than welcome.

My old gran refuses to grow old gracefully. Last night she won first prize in a wet shawl contest.

My Dad just told me that before he met my mother he was something of a ladies man. He said he used to chase skirts all over the world. I bet he got a shock when he visited Scotland !!!

My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don’t know how she can say that… …she’s hardly ever met me.

I’ve been trying to research my family history, then I found a web site that does it all for you. It’s simple just enter a few personal details and… ….Bob’s your uncle.

Our family were so poor when I was a child, my brother and I had to share everything. Mind you, you should see how quick I am on one roller skate.

As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.” “Mum, my name is Dave.”

A religious nut I know told me that my idle thumbs are the Devil’s playthings. I guess my uncle was the Devil then.

My wife tried to buy something online yesterday. ….Anyone knows how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive ?

My friends think I’m a terrible Dad when I fob my children off with, “Go and ask your Mother”. It just gives me an hour or so to myself while they go to her grave.

Two weeks after we got married, and already we started having regrets. Or babies, as the wife likes to call them.

Was on the train earlier when a guy got up and left his expensive new phone on the seat. I didn’t say anything and he got off, I went to retrieve my new phone. Before I could even pick it up it started ringing – ‘mum’ – I left the phone where it was. She […]

I went to my girlfriends house for tea yesterday. When she blamed her farts on her Dog I just had to laugh…. I’d just run him over in the drive way!