Category: family

My mother kicked my dad out of the house for cheating. She seriously needs to give that board game a rest.

Got a ‘pony’ for my 11 year-old daughter yesterday. Pretty disappointing really, I had expected to get at least 200 quid for her. Mind you, I might have done if she’d still been a virgin!

My X-box controller is a lot like my kids. I can play games with them for hours on end, but as soon as I lose it gets thrown at the wall.

My mother-in-law says I’m effeminate. I suppose, next to her, I am.

Took the missus for an Italian the other night and after consulting the menu she ordered the pageone. “Thats Page 1 you daft cow” I said

A 54 year old accountant informs his wife he is leaving her for an 18 year old girl. His wife, also 54 informs him that she also has a new 18 year old partner and being an accountant he must realise that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18.

Those who say that there is noting to fear but fear itself obviously have never had 4 missed calls from their mum.

I’m sure my daughter is going to grow up to be a slapper. I took her to the dentists yesterday and he said, ‘open wide.’ She said, ‘I can’t – there’s arms on the chair.’

I was named after my grandfather. Well I wasn’t going to be named before him, was I?

It’s funny how the most simple things in life can tear a family apart………… …..Like next door’s rabid rottweiler

Can’t believe, I’ve just been thrown out of my Mother-in laws funeral. Apparently, hiring an 18 piece Steel Band is disrespectful!

My wife is missing for almost 2 weeks now and the police warned me that I should prepare myself for “the worst case scenario” So I went back to the second hand store where I sold all of her clothing and bought it all back…

Just when I thought Christmas was over, I came down stairs this morning to find two pigs in blankets lodged in the setee. I really wish the wife wouldn’t let her mum and sister stop over without telling me.

Today, I found out that my father named me Luke so he could say, “Luke, I am your father” and laugh about it.

When I asked my Gran what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, “The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.” Well, we’ve just got back from the cemetery and she doesn’t seem too happy.