Category: family

My 8 year old son got the Sims for Christmas, he was showing me around his house where he showed me his wife sleeping in her bed, in the kitchen. I’m so proud of that boy.

It’s inappropriate to tell parents how to raise their kids, unless they are Austrians.

My missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids. In my defence, I had Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson.

My girlfriend is such a hypochondriac. She got jet lag when the clocks went back

My daughter just won ‘Miss Ginger 2010’! Needless to say she’ll always be my ‘Miss Take 1993’

I’ve wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child.

My old Grandad used to say, “Fight fire with fire.” It’s no wonder the fire brigade sacked him.

Dear Agony Aunt, I’ve recently started dating a 46 year old woman, and she has 2 kids. I’ve also started sleeping with her 20 year old daughter. I don’t need any advice, I just thought I’d let you know. Max.

My friend just phoned me to say he accidentally shot his wife in the knee and wanted to know what he should do… I told him “Aim Higher”

I have stopped going to watch Stockport County football club !!!! Well they don’t come and see me when I’m bad…………..

I took the family on a day trip to Alton Towers. As the kids kicked and screamed in the back of the car, I remembered a tip my dad gave me. “If you don’t stop that,” I said, “I’ll turn this car right round…” They paused for a moment, smiled, and started hitting each other. […]

It’s the mother in law’s funeral tomorrow. She’s only gone and cancelled it

My wife said “I’ve told you a million times. You are the most forgetful man on earth”. “Funny, I don’t remember her ever saying that”.

Staying at a B&B theres that awkward feeling, your in somebody’s home, like your mates house, his parents are there… but he’s dead.

My big sister was taunting me, and said parents said I was a mistake. Well, I asked my mum about my conception, and she was shocked, she said “No love, we really wanted a baby and we had you on purpose.” …it was only later we realised it was a mistake”.