Category: family

Son : daddy I cant stop walking around in circles. Dad : shut up or I ll nail your other foot to the floor.

The wife asked me the other day what the one thing I would change about her would be. Apparently bartering for more than one was not a good idea.

My dad was a comedian, so comedy is in my blood. I wish I could get it into my jokes.

The other day, I visited an old people’s home as part of my community service. I asked one of the old men, “How do you feel living here?” He replied, “I feel like a new born baby.” I thought, “How wonderful,” and asked him, “Why do you feel that way?” To which he replied, “I’ve […]

Every so often, my dad invites an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman round for the evening, and me and my dad hide all the chairs. It’s a standing joke in our house.

“Sunshine came softly through my… Window today” Luckily I was out. My whole family got vapourised.

A 30 year old woman was arrested and charged recently with stealing between 50,000 and 150,000 from her 72 year old aunt who suffers from dementia. I could never do such a thing. There’s just no history of dementia in my family.

I told my mate that he was easily amused. But he just cracked up and shat himself.

What’s a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

The camera in my daughter’s bathroom is for safety purposes only. I can’t risk going on those websites anymore.

A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all – money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman… then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out…”

Don’t you hate it when you’re driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough………… Grandma’s fingering herself again!

A little bit of domestic abuse never hurt anyone… Well…no one that mattered anyway.

I had to make the biggest decision of my life today. Social Services made me choose between my daughter and alcohol. For all the right reasons I decided to give up Stella. Stupid name for a kid anyway.

I took my son to work at the adoption agency. I’ll never forget the look on his face as they slammed the van doors…