Category: family

My girlfriend said she wanted to name our baby daughter a name that she “could see in lights.” Just a minute, I need to change Marlboro’s nappy.

As many a good man will know; anything you can’t fix with a hammer and some gaffer tape isn’t worth fixing. Needless to say, my first marriage didn’t last long.

My little girl tearfully asked me to look under the bed to see if there were any monsters. I thought “If there isn’t any, I’m wasting my time. If there is a monster, then…” So I said “No.”

I walked into the kitchen last night to see my dad cooking tea, I stood and started crying my eyes out, i thought my mum had walked out on us

My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk… Ha! Like that’s gonna happen in the middle of conker season

My sister was on Big Brother tonight. I’m hoping to get a repeat performance before I go to sleep.

Looking forward to rear of the year. I’m entering my sisters.

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

The missus has finally given me something that I have wanted since our first night together Her abscence

I took the wife for a walk in the local park this morning, you should have seen the filthy looks I was getting from the public. Not sure what their problem was…. she was wearing a muzzle and I never let her off the leash.

My daughter’s school teacher rang me today. “Young Sarah didn’t turn up for school today?” he said. “I know, her mother died yesterday,” I replied. “So she won’t be back for a while.” “Sorry to hear that,” he sighed. “How’s she getting on?” “Very well,” I replied. “She’s on her third lot of laundry and […]

“It’s our little secret” he said, as Daddy kissed me on the cheek. I felt dirty, I didn’t know what to do, should I tell mummy or keep it to myself? I had been betrayed by my own father. I can’t believe he’d been shopping in Aldi.

I was quite nervous about teaching my 13 yr old daughter the facts of life. We sat down and had a chat and it went really well. Now I’m really looking forward to tonight’s session. It’s the practical.

My daughter asked my wife and I what it is like to be pregnant. I told her to put a bean bag down the front of her jumper and keep it there for nine months. After nine months take ten per cent of the beans out.

My girlfriend said I’m turning into her dad. To be fair, he shouldn’t stand in the middle of our driveway like that.