Category: embarassment

Last night I tried one of those tricks where you light your farts on fire. I couldn’t find a lighter, so I used a candle. Completely ruined my Grandmothers birthday cake.

I pulled my balaclava on, pulled my collar up and left the house after a good look round to make sure no one could recognise me, I headed down the road with one thing on my mind, making sure no one saw me when I popped into Aldi for some milk.

I should be proud of my wife for being an elite athlete. I just find it difficult to tell others I’m married to the scrum-half from Leeds Carnegie.

When an old school friend found out my girlfriend studied at Oxford he sent me a text saying,”OMG,that’s unbelievible because I studied at Oxford too.” Not the dictionary he didn’t.

After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an eleven year old girl approached me and said “Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!” I was disgusted. She should have said “My boyfriend and I are having a baby”

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didnt seem impressed when we turned up at a childrens swimming pool.

Unfortunately it seems sneezing at the point of climax didnt release those innate Spiderman abilities I thought I had…

What’s funnier than seeing a fat guy fall over? Watching him cradle himself to sleep trying to get back up.

after i jokingly said to my girlfriend that her farts smell like dead babies, she totally freaked out she’s acting so weird since the abortion

I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn’t best pleased. Don’t think we’ll be going to the theatre again for a while.

Throwing a chocolate bar at fat girls ‘cos they look like they need a Boost.

I had to do a drama performance for my A-levels, except I was a bit nervous, so I took the good old advice of picturing everyone naked. Shame my nan was in the audience.

I was trying to get a hot girl at the bar jealous, so I started slowly dancing and getting off with a potted plant. It worked wonders, she was staring at me.

As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: “Isn’t it weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we’re out” I said, “I know exactly what you mean, ever since I’ve had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of […]

“How dare you break wind before my wife” said the host of a dinner party to his guest. “Oh I’m sorry” said the guest, “I didn’t realise it was her turn”.