Category: children

My wife just shouted at me for smoking inside. As if having to deliver my unborn child in the back of a taxi wasn’t stressful enough.

A teacher asks one of her pupils what he did at the weekend… “I took my dads air rifle and shot next door’s cats, Miss,” he replied. She said, “That’s awful, did your father punish you?” “No,” he replied. “Well, not while I still had the gun in my hand.”

I was never my parents favourite when I was growing up. Which, considering I’m an only child…

What a day. I took our newborn son into one of those baby-changing rooms at the shopping centre. I came out with Harvey Price. I took him back in and came out with a little Chinese girl. She’ll have to do. I think the wife wanted a daughter anyway.

My belief in Santa Claus is starting to get severely tested. For three years my children haven’t received any presents for Christmas, and I know for a fact that they’ve not been particularly naughty.

I’ll be watching a few horrors this Halloween. My wife prefers I call them ‘our children’.

There are so many fat kids about today and people are complaining! the way I see it there are 3 advantages to it 1: They are more tempted by sweets to come to your car 2: They cant run away to fast from you and 3: more cushion for the pushing

That difficult moment when you’re on holiday and you haven’t quite got enough money for the last few days of the trip. That difficult choice, which one of my children can I leave in the apartment?

I saw a poster, which said: “Have you seen this boy?” So I rang up and said, “No, no I haven’t.”

– Mam you’re a liar! – What do you mean? – You said my little brother’s an angel. – Yes. Well he is. – I just pushed him out the window, and he didn’t fly…

I saw a sign outside a school the other day that read: ”Parking here could cost a child’s life”. Surely a few points on your license, or a fine would be a lot easier, right?

I would like to thank the designers of my house for putting the plug sockets at a height that a child of eight months could easily put his fingers into and die from an electric shock. Seriously… thanks. Got my first decent nights sleep in eight months, last night.

I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor.. Then I realised entering him was enough

What’s long, hard and hurts babies? My shovel.

Me and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son. She wants to name him after his proud father, but I’d much rather name him after me.