Category: children

Yay so Santa came during the night… just wish I had a tissue to whip it off though.

Paddy’s wife just gave birth to twins “Congratulations, do twins run in the family?” Paddy replies “Course they funckin’ can’t they can’t even walk yet”

Me and my mate had a bake-off today with our children. He won, I left my son in the oven for way too long.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my neighbours on the estate. Remember: if you go out for a meal, take it easy on the WKD as you’ve got school tomorrow and its nearly GCSE time.

I thought I was the coolest kid when I was younger because everyone dressed like me. Until I realised school uniform was mandatory.

Tip for the day: When a Census taker asks how many children you have, the correct answer is not, “As many as I can catch”.

I started working as a teacher in a school for mentally challenged children. On the first day I asked them if anyone can do animal noises. Apparently that’s all they can do.

The worst part about being a paedophile is trying to fit in.

I overheard my son and daughter complaining the other day that I act more like a boss than a father towards them. So I’ve invited them both to a disciplinary hearing at 10.00 next Monday morning.

I was talking with my girlfriend last night when I said that ugly children are terrible and should be kept in a cage. She didn’t take it well at all. She stared at me and angrily said, “Well, what would you do if I gave birth to a child that was ugly?” I replied, “I’d […]

My son just told me that I wasn’t the “boss” of him. So I sat him down and showed him a 65 slide PowerPoint to justify my management position.

Me and the Wife have called our new baby boy ‘Large’. We pulled his name out of a Hat.

Baby sitting for your friends kids is just like having a hire car. You abuse them as much as you want, then hand them back.

My wife told me today that I’m going to be a father for the very first time. The sad news is, I’ve already got two children.

So… My two year old daughter takes my nose and it’s all fun and stuff. But I take her virginity and I get a prison sentence?