Category: children

It was a waste of money buying my newborn son a mobile phone. Every time I call, the babysitter says “He can’t speak to you at the moment.”

They say that children are our most valuable natural resource. I agree. In fact, I’ve already started drilling.

My daughter told me about how she was learning about an artist who hated one of his paintings so much, he covered it in paint so he could start again from scratch. But in doing this, the effect of all the different colours was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen, so he […]

I asked my mum a question today, ‘Mum…’ I said, ‘ Am I half Spanish?’ ‘Why do you ask?’ ‘Because when I asked Nan who my dad was, she said he was a “Juan Nightstand!” ‘

I’m a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even wipe their mouths. I love my ice-cream van.

I like my girls like I like my font size. 12

For some cheap entertainment after Christmas feed your sister’s Tiny Tears doll some Ribena. Then sit back and relax as the doll begins to resemble something out of the apocalypse.

More people should me made aware of child abuse! They don’t know what they’re missing!

I saw this article on being a good Dad on ParentDish.com, which gave the following advice: “Get into slinging the baby, then you can go for wonderful walks while we rest (and you’ll be the centre of attention at the playground too).” So I did this, and now apparently I’m “no better than BabyP’s parents”

Our school was hard. The playground chase-games were called Electronic Tag.

My wife said, “I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn’t it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?” “Great idea,” I said, getting the camera. I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face…. …..seconds before the waste disposal kicked in.

MOTHERS. Don’t use poisonous shampoos on your children’s hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying ‘Independence Day’ shadow over your child’s head.

Today has been a dark day for me, I have been told I cannot have any children.. Apparently, no amount of begging at the orpanage door is going to make them change their minds…

I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, “i hope your kids like dry cereal because i’ve just knicked your milk”

I am so proud my son has been named head boy, which is a bit strange because he is in year 5