Category: children

James Bulger Madeleine McCann Rhys Jones Liam Gill Harry Blackmore Carlsberg don’t do child tragedies…. Liverpool do….

“Daddy?” the kid asked his father. “Where did I come from?” “Ask your mother,” he replied. “I did,” the kid said. “But I don’t think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.” “Hmmmm,” chuckled his dad. “That’s about the size of it…”

My mate asked me earlier if I had any regrets in life. “Probably just about children to be honest” I said. “But don’t you have 5 kids?” he asked. “Precisely” I sighed.

After a particularly bad parents evening, the teacher said the problem must stem from home. She even went so far as to ask if i loved my daughter. Apparently ‘often’ was the wrong answer.

I had to take my son to the emergency room today after my attempt at teaching him to ride a bike went wrong. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have started with a Kawasaki Ninja.

I see that they still can’t serve sandwiches at Dunblane school. Evidently it still upsets them when their asked how many rounds they want!

I’ve decided to write a Mr Men book in honour of my unwanted daughter. Little Miss Take

My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher’s coffee cup. I said to him, “What did your teacher say when he found out?” “Mmmmmmm-mmmm-mmmm-mmmm……….!”

I was texting a mate when from nowhere I got hit by a car, just when I realised what was happening a fire engine flew past me and missed my head by inches. I gave my son a right slap, how dare he throw toys out of his pram.

What is red and dangerous to small children? Me in my red coat.

I saw a Birthday badge that says “I am 2” on the front. On the back, however, the warning label says “This object is not suitable for children 3 and under.”

apparently two 10 year olds at the same time does not count as a 20year old!!!

I’m guessing the next idiot child will be killed by an electric fence.

I love taking the kids to the park, then taking them home, bathing them and putting them to bed… one day I’ll take my own.

I made my son a scale version of Noah’s Ark with all the animals and everything using matches. Shame he’s not allowed to play with them.