Category: children

I just bought myself a Mr Whippy van. Now I can do mobile S&M.

Through this sorry sordid affair, let us not forget that John Terry has children and it’s them that I feel sorry for. Imagine growing up knowing you’ve inherit his looks.

Paedophiles are unfairly persecuted. How else are kids meant to get off?

This hopepipe ban is really hurting my kids. But I guess thats what happens when you try to fill the paddling pool with water from the kettle.

My wife just gave birth to our son, he was six nine and healthy. I think I’ll have to buy him a new cot though, because I didn’t expect him to be that tall.

I said to my son, “You skipped school today to play football.” He said, “No I never, and I’ve got the fish to prove it.”

The word paedophile literally translates to ‘Child Enthusiast.’ Over enthusiastic much?

For a laugh on your child’s 11th birthday; forge a Hogwarts acceptance letter.

I always tell my kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet. Largely in the hope that other parents tell their kids the same thing..

Theatres are getting child actors in Panto as they cannot afford dwarfs. Some might say it’s a small price to pay.

So you try and help out by sorting the kids a uniform during the summer holidays! But end up with a caution for asking staff at Ann Summers if they had a nurse,and french maid uniform for my 8,and 10 year old daughters.

After thirty years of wondering why he didn’t look like his sister and brother Mark asked his mother if he had been adopted. ‘ Yes, ‘ she replied tearfully, ‘ but it didn’t work out so they sent you back. ‘

I have a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. So if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I was looking into adopting my second child this week and i made sure to look into three vital key areas: 1. The cost of adopting said child. 2.The ethnicity of the child. 3.Time it takes to cook.

My wife swerved to avoid a child last night…………….she fell out of bed.