Category: children

I was driving along the beach on my first day as a beach safety officer, when I saw a little girl holding a wire. She was thrashing about with a contorted look of pain on her face. Fearing she was being electrocuted, I got a shovel form my 4×4 and hit her with it. Thankfully […]

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view.

My wife told me she wanted something 20 inches long, crusty, and full of sperm… So i handed her our daughter

I’m considering becoming a professional clown. I have all the right skills. I suffer from depression and I like scaring children.

My daughter told me this morning that when she was older she wanted to be a businesswoman and run a chocolate factory. Aren’t kids adorable! Of course I was honest and explained to her there is no such word as ‘businesswoman’.

I was proud when my son told me he’d joined the commandos. Until I found out he’d just thrown all of his underpants away.

This little piggy went to the market This little piggy stayed home This little piggy had roast beef This little piggy had none This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home And this little piggy was the result of being bred in Norfolk

I got arrested for pulling a little girls knickers down, putting her over my knee and spanking her bottom for misbehaving yesterday. Apparently I am not allowed to do this to someone else’s child in ASDA

My son said to me yesterday, “Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that right?” I replied, “Well, it must be, I’ve still got mine.”

Coco Pops and Milk are a bowl full of fun…. Until you get diabetes.

What’s the hardest part of telling your son he’s adopted? For me it was learning Chinese.

My wife hates it when our baby kicks her. I say baby, he’s nearly two now, but at least he’s a quick learner.

Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And suddenly I’m the bad guy?

Childline are reporting a worrying increase in the amount of calls they’re getting from abused children. It wasn’t like this when I was a lad. We didn’t have mobile phones.