Category: children

I was in a restaurant this afternoon when to my surprise I spotted Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary, feeding his baby daughter. “Open wide, here comes the aeroplane! Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr” he said, before shoving the spoon in her ear, claiming it was ‘Mouth East’, and demanding a 5 bib surcharge.

Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and tell him that’s what happens to kids who don’t stop crying.

My 13.00 Shoe Zone shoes for work seem to be failing on me dramatically already. l’ll be lucky to get through the working day on them. The 6 year old who made them obviously hasn’t had sufficient training or was slacking on that particular day. I will be following this up with customer services so […]

Teacher: What does a cat say? Little Jonny: It says your 40, single, and desperate for any kind of contact miss

The other day, my baby was crawling along the floor, stopped, thought for a bit, staggered uneasily to his feet, then shakily walked across the room looking pleased with himself. My missus was elated, showering him with praise and affection. Why is it, when I do the same thing after coming back from the pub […]

New dad Elton John ‘expects prejudice’ …Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now

When I was a kid my budgie died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping I wouldn’t realise. But I did and I killed that one too.

I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight. “She will never fit into her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10” said Posh.

“One man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure,” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

‘Knock Knock’. “Will you leave your grandmother alone, have a little respect for the dead.”

Just saw a little fat girl wearing a T-shirt that said “I’m Daddy’s Favourite” She must be an only child if she’s his favourite!

Its the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Just another excuse for the kids’ absence from school

It takes 24 screws to build an Ikea cot but only 1 to fill it.

My father used to say “I love kids, but I couldn’t eat a full one”. I knew I’d beat my father at something one day

Sky News : ‘See Dannii Minogue’s Baby Boy – On Twitter’. These kids are so advanced these days.