Category: books

I’ve just read the Civil Service Staff handbook. It’s called “50 Grades of pay”

It once took me three days to read a book. And three cops to remove me from the library.

I went to see Twilight: New Moon because it is meant to be a modern take on Romeo and Juliet. I was so disappointed when Edward and Bella didn’t kill themselves.

My mate just stole my Thesaurus. Frankly, I’m lost for words.

After reading the Stieg Larrson books “The girl with the dragon tattoo” “The girl who kicked the hornets nest” and “The girl who played with fire” I cant help but get excited for the next two books in the series. “The girl who swam after eating” and “The girl who ran with scissors”.

All these women reading 50 Shades of Grey, if you’re that into submission, humiliation and whips. Why not become a Lib Dem MP?

I’m writing a modern day Jane Austen period drama starring Harvey Price. It’s called Dense and Disability.

I originally wrote my novel with a start, a middle and an ending. It got rejected fourteen times. So I rewrote it, putting half the middle first, then the start, followed by the ending and finished with the rest of the middle. It was the same story, just told unintelligibly. It’s now been published for […]

My wife is reading Fifty Shades Of Grey. She has borrowed her sisters battered old copy. In fact there is so much of her batter on it when you open the front cover it goes to page 58.

Mr Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady congratulated him for not including curse words. “Ah, ” replied Johnston, “You have been looking for them, I presume.”

I’ve just finished writing a book called “How to delegate.” Well, actually my wife wrote it. But it was me who told her to.

I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week, queuing in the Post Office for my road tax.

My friends just accused me of ruining the latest Harry Potter film for everyone. They’re overreacting, all I said was that Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to go on a quest to find the rest of the Horcruxes. I didn’t even mention to them that Snape gets killled, Harry kills Voldemort, Dobby gets stabbed and […]

I’m about to release my new book on joblessness soon. Still needs work though.

I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet biweekly