Category: art

My dad paints all of his pictures in his own blood. He suffers for his art.

A new exhibition where the artist uses human excrement to create celebrity portraits opens tomorrow. There’ll be some familiar faeces on show.

Felt it would be a good idea to draw straws with my mates to see which one of us went for the munter out of a group of girls. And people say my a BA in Art would be useless.

Damien Hirst partner has walked out on him for another man. Like a dead cow in an art gallery he must be gutted.

Went to an M.C. Escher exhibition today. All the best prints were on the second floor but unfortunately I couldn’t get there.

Salvador Dali walks into a fish and orders a pint of stamps. The barman says, “Why the bicycle wheel?”

All the best artistic ideas are kept inside drawers.

As a painter, I’m proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery. I did the skirting boards.

I’ve just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft. I think it’s a Constable.

How do we know Vermeer had a low sperm count? Well, it’s not ‘Girl with a Pearl Necklace’ is it?

Fifty shades of grey The first ever book for dogs

When Damien Hirst cuts a shark in half and preserves it in formaldehyde, he’s a visionary artist. When I do it, I get banned from the aquarium.

Vincent Van Gogh. There’s a man. Everyone said to him “you can’t be an artist! You only have one ear!” and you know what he said? “Sorry, I can’t hear you”.

I drew a blank in my art exam.

My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery. It was three weeks before anyone noticed.