I asked the hotel recepti …
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call. Next morning, she rang and said, “what are you doing with your life?”
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Me: Is it in yet? Girlfri …
Me: Is it in yet? Girlfriend: No. Me: What about now? Girlfriend: No, uh, maybe we should try something else. Me: One last try. Girlfriend: No still not there. And that good people is why you should never take your girlfriend shoe shopping
Continue ReadingA CIA spy is on his first …
A CIA spy is on his first day scouting Moscow. Fluent in Russian, he is confident of blending into the crowd. First, he stops at a store to get an apple. The lady there gives him a big smile, “Morning Mr American, how can I help you?” Shocked, he quietly buys an apple. Next stop, […]
Continue ReadingA young boy was just bein …
A young boy was just being potty trained. When he went into the bathroom though, Tommy managed to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum had to go in and clean up after him. This went on for a further two weeks. His mother found this most annoying and she’d had enough. The next […]
Continue Readingmy dad walked through the …
my dad walked through the door this morning I told him to use the handle next time.
Continue ReadingI got home from work toda …
I got home from work today and my wife was sitting in the lounge almost asleep. “What’s up love? Tired?” I asked. “Knackered,” she replied, “How could you tell?” “Well, the baby’s in the back garden and you’re breastfeeding the dog.”
Continue ReadingTook my disobedient Germa …
Took my disobedient German Shepherd to a dog shouter. It’s basically just an impatient dog whisperer.
Continue ReadingMy wife is always saying …
My wife is always saying “Waste not, want not.” But then yesterday she said I was rude and tacky when I asked for a doggie bag! Anyway it turns out they don’t have them at the abortion clinic.
Continue ReadingI’ve often wondered how p …
I’ve often wondered how people get to the shop that sells wheelchairs.
Continue Reading76% of all road accidents …
76% of all road accidents involve a child. That is because adults know that no one can win ‘Chicken’
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between a urethra and a garden hose? Well, let me tell you, there’s a vas deferens…
Continue ReadingI nearly came in my new t …
I nearly came in my new trousers today. Put my jeans on instead.
Continue ReadingNote to self: The Child S …
Note to self: The Child Support Agency do not manufacture a wonderbra for 13 year old girls.
Continue ReadingI gave my son a piggy ban …
I gave my son a piggy bank for his birthday, “you’ll thank me for this when you’re grown-up and getting married” I told him. “Is it so I can save up and treat my future bride to the wedding day of her dreams?” He asked. “No son, I just want you to get used to […]
Continue ReadingWorking as a cake waiter …
Working as a cake waiter at a wedding, I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room. I immediately took a fancy to her.
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