The police were at the door, “Excuse me Sir, don’t you think it’s irresponsible to let your 4 year old daughter play with her scooter on the street?” “Why pick on me?” I replied, “There’s kids all over playing on scooters.” “Yes Sir, but their’s haven’t got a 750cc engine!”
Continue ReadingMy wife couldn’t remember a thing after her breast cancer operation……… She was suffering from mammory loss.
Continue ReadingYou know who likes being fisted? Sock Puppets!
Continue ReadingAs I was preparing to jump out of the plane, I turned to the Instructor and asked, “What if the chute doesn’t open?” He laughed and replied, “Relax mate, we’ve never had any complaints of parachutes not opening.”
Continue ReadingI’m going to give up meat and become a vegetarian. So far I’ve quit cold turkey.
Continue ReadingA Prius tried to race me from a red light earlier. I totally had it for the first 100 metres, but i can only walk so fast.
Continue ReadingI was out recruiting for the nursery school I work at today. A woman came up to me and said, “Hi, can you put my daughter down please?” “What’s her name?” I replied. “Never mind that,” She said. “Just put her down and don’t touch her again.
Continue ReadingA dog lover has been reunited with her lost dog after it was missing for EIGHT YEARS. Either that or her parents spent a REALLY long time saving up for a new one.
Continue ReadingThe school disco said ‘Cash prize for whoever dresses the most retro.’ So I turned up with just a leaf covering my dangly bits.
Continue ReadingFound a book today called ‘Learn to Walk’. As far as I recall, it went something like: Step One Step Two Repeat.
Continue ReadingI was on holiday in California last week and I noticed a sign in the toilets that read: “Please leave this restroom in the same state that you found it”. Idiots. Why would anyone take it to another part of the country?
Continue ReadingI’ve got a job at a restaurant for cannibals. I’m the head chef.
Continue Reading21% of people cheat at their office Christmas party. I’m ashamed to admit I also cheated at my Christmas party. I sat down before the music stopped.
Continue ReadingI was telling my mate in the pub last night that my wife thinks she has a stalker. He said “Well I’ve been following her weeks and haven’t seen anyone”
Continue ReadingI could tell my parents hated me. When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other kids were skating.
Continue Reading