I went to the florists earlier to get the flowers for the wife’s funeral. The girl behind the counter said, “Your casket spread is ready, sir, as is your wreath, floral basket and your table arrangements.” I said, “Is that it then?” She said, “Oh, Just one more thing, sir, pick a lily.” I said, […]
Continue ReadingA lady stopped me in the street today and asked if I wanted to try some of their new vanilla ice cream. I had to stop, collaborate and listen.
Continue ReadingIs it just me or is the library that everyone seems to be going to have an unnecessarily rude librarian working there.
Continue ReadingYesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Continue ReadingWhen I broke up with my wife, I didn’t want anything from her in the settlement except a pint of milk, four egg yolks, a vanilla pod, an ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of single cream. She mixed it all up in a bowl and then threw it in my face. On […]
Continue ReadingThe weight of my voice was nothing compared to that of the fat lady’s. She was singing on a different scale.
Continue ReadingDeep down I’m really shallow.
Continue ReadingMy mate just told me he was listening to Lub Tropicana. I said “surely you mean Club Tropicana?” Nope it’s definitely Lub Tropicana he insisted.. After a quick internet search I finally proved to him it was indeed Club Tropicana “Aaah you’re right.” he conceded “But all that was missing was the C”
Continue ReadingYou know your computer is a Vista when your problem solver needs to be problem solved.
Continue ReadingI like my black people as I like my toast. Burnt.
Continue ReadingThere’s no worse feeling than the millisecond you’re sure you’re going to die when you lean your chair back just a little too far.
Continue ReadingThere are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts.
Continue ReadingMy wife dyed her hair today. She said, “What do you think?” I said, “It suits your look”. She said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Your face looks like it’s died too”.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Hound Dog songwriter dies age 78. Isn’t that suppose to be 325 years?
Continue ReadingBuying the winning lottery ticket……….. Statistically the only thing more rare than meeting a white doctor.
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