Me and my girlfriend were talking earlier and she said “I’ve been looking at some figures and have decided I’m going to start tightening my belt!” “I wouldn’t!” I said “You already try squeezing into clothes that clearly don’t fit you!”
Continue ReadingI walked into a chemical shop and asked what nitrates were on offer. The shopkeeper replied with “Well I suppose you could sleep in the storeroom, but it will cost you a tenner”
Continue ReadingMy wife is very spiritual. She’s dead.
Continue ReadingI was late walking into a very important meeting today. “Sorry, boss,” I said, quickly sitting down. I put my briefcase and a doner kebab on the table and said, “Right, carry on.” My boss looked at our important clients, then he looked at me and said, “What’s with the doner kebab, Dave?” I said, […]
Continue ReadingMy wife roped me into a fancy dress party then started to nag me about possible costumes and whether we dress up as a pair. “Listen.” I said, exasperated, “You don’t need a costume. I’ll dress up as Crockett and we can go together as Miami Vice.”
Continue ReadingYesterday I was drawing round criminals to make cardboard cutouts for my ad campaign, when I stood up to think for a second. I was interrupted by someone shouting: “Oi! What are you doing?” “Contemplating.” I replied.
Continue ReadingI wish Hula Hoops had age categories on them so I could still fit them around my enlarged 19 year old fingers.
Continue ReadingThe search for the Higgs-Boson is like a cat, thinking it caught the red dot of a laser pointer.
Continue ReadingAfter 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn’t the job. Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job.
Continue ReadingI’m only with my Somalian girlfriend for her booty.
Continue ReadingI’m still getting the hang of making new jokes, which frankly my older children take quite badly.
Continue ReadingPeople who go for face lifts have a good idea that they are going to look younger after surgery, so why do they always look surprised?
Continue ReadingPigeon: “Do you think I should say ‘coo, coo, coo?’” Sparrow: “It’s your call.”
Continue ReadingMy great grandad used to wonder the streets of London at midnight giving money to waitresses. He was called jack the tipper.
Continue ReadingIf there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.
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