Dear Internet Service Provider, why when I call your helpline to report a problem with my broadband do I get an automated message giving me details of your website? I’m calling a broadband helpline so it’s a fairly safe bet I can’t get online. P.S. Yes I have already tried turning it off and on […]
Continue ReadingWhen I was a kid my budgie died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping I wouldn’t realise. But I did and I killed that one too.
Continue ReadingI walked into the house and handed her a holiday brochure and she said excitedly, “What’s this?” “You know what you said about always wanting to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa?” “Yeah.” “Turn to page 12, there’s a picture of it there.”
Continue ReadingDo I know an abbreviation for number? No.
Continue ReadingThere’s a fine line between creating new words and showing your stupidocity.
Continue ReadingWhat happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. So if the zombie apocalypse starts there, the rest of the world is saved.
Continue ReadingI sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than, “I work at McDonald’s.”
Continue ReadingHaving finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by ghosts and now my spirits are high.
Continue ReadingPut tomato sauce in my eyes today. In Heinz sight that properly wasn’t a good idea
Continue ReadingI went to the museum to feed the animals But they were all stuffed
Continue ReadingI’m watching ‘Children in Need’ and I’m wondering where all the British children are. All I can see is Pakis and Blacks. That lot are just Children in need of a good Tsunami.
Continue ReadingI often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.
Continue ReadingRoses are purple, Violets are purple, I have purple paint and I like purple.
Continue ReadingMy wife is leaving me. She says she has had enough of my getting phrases mixed up. I’m as sick as a fiddle chewing a parrot.
Continue ReadingI applied for a job at IKEA today. I had to put the application together myself.
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