What do you call a Scotsm …
What do you call a Scotsman that’s nearly home? Hamish.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
I wrote a book on razor s …
I wrote a book on razor sharp knives yesterday. Which was pretty stupid because my chair was perfectly fine.
Continue ReadingIt doesn’t matter how old …
It doesn’t matter how old you are, you’ll always try and get your quid back by trying to bend the trolley chain round the bar.
Continue ReadingI’m really good at starti …
I’m really good at starting fights at football matches. I’ve got a flare for it.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the best way to gu …
What’s the best way to gut a fish? Kill its family.
Continue ReadingI was sat on the tube nex …
I was sat on the tube next to the wife earlier and thought to myself… …I wish she’d hurry up and die or the nurse might notice her oxygen’s dropped.
Continue ReadingColin & Chris Weir have e …
Colin & Chris Weir have employed me to sort out their finances. I’m just in the middle of doing them a pie chart.
Continue ReadingI went to see a psychiatr …
I went to see a psychiatrist today, he claims i have many social problems including trouble with dealing with authority and that i’m in denial. Particular when handling the truth about myself. I couldn’t believe it.
Continue ReadingI go into maternity wards …
I go into maternity wards wearing a clown costume to be placenta of attention.
Continue ReadingNeeded some practice in a …
Needed some practice in arguing today so went to the gym and spent an hour on the rowing machine.
Continue ReadingThere’s no need to go pan …
There’s no need to go panic buying. You can create panic absolutely free by dressing up as a Paki and wearing a rucksack on the London Underground.
Continue ReadingI went camping recently, …
I went camping recently, outside the compound a sign red: “Toilet Roll, Don’t Come Without It!” Obviously never heard of bukkake…
Continue ReadingMy mate Luke just got kil …
My mate Luke just got killed as he was crossing the road. Time after time I’ve told him, “Stop, Luke, and listen”..
Continue ReadingThe other day I got pulle …
The other day I got pulled over by a police officer. He made me roll down my window, then asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. “Because you got D’s in college,” I replied.
Continue ReadingI love watching Animals e …
I love watching Animals eating on the Internet. I’m watching a Live feed now.
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