After watching the news c …
After watching the news coverage from the murder scene of Ashleigh Hall, it`s no wonder the guy who killed her got caught so quickly! I mean, why hide the body in a tent?
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So Derren Brown predicted …
So Derren Brown predicted the lottery tonight? Big deal, I’ve predicted which numbers wont come up twice a week for 10 years!
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend was disappo …
My girlfriend was disappointed when I bought her New York flights for her birthday. But not as disappointed as I was when I found out she didn’t even play darts.
Continue Reading3 out of 4 people make up …
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Continue ReadingAs part of a pre-emptive …
As part of a pre-emptive strike on Canada, the US have sent in their special forces. Silly really, because the Canadians are expert at clubbing seals.
Continue ReadingTwo pensioners are sittin …
Two pensioners are sitting at the bench in the park surrounded with pigeons. -“Did you bring bread for pigeons?” – asks first one. -“Sorry mate, I didn’t, I already spent all of my money!” -“No worries mate” – said the first one: -“Will eat them without bread!”
Continue ReadingMy Uncle always told me t …
My Uncle always told me the secret to a happy life was to eat like a King and make love like a Queen…of course that was before aids came into the picture.
Continue ReadingMy son asked me if I woul …
My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike. I said: “Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it.” Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers
Continue ReadingAdvice if you’re intendin …
Advice if you’re intending to teabag your girlfriend: take care not to strain yourself.
Continue ReadingThinking of opening a win …
Thinking of opening a wine shop in Newcastle. Going to call it Alan Shiraz
Continue ReadingMy mate said to me, “I wa …
My mate said to me, “I want you to use your car as an escape vehicle while I rob a bank.” I said, “Get away!”
Continue ReadingThe police have issued a …
The police have issued a photograph of a man they want in connection with a string of robberies in the South East. What I don’t understand is: why they didn’t keep hold of him after they’d taken his photo?
Continue ReadingLiving on Earth may be ex …
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Continue Reading“Police swoop on M6 Megab …
“Police swoop on M6 Megabus” Optimus Prime is said to be furious
Continue ReadingI received some chain mai …
I received some chain mail through the post last week. I am now better equipped than the British army.
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